Crying.

I look in the mirror a lot. It’s kind of like I am having a conversation with myself when I do it. Not just seeing what I look like. Rather, I am looking into my eyes and asking “How are you doing? What is bothering you? What are you happy about?” I used to do this as a kid all of the time. I didn’t go cry to people when I was upset. I would lock myself in the bathroom, turn the fan on, and I would watch my eyes turn bloodshot and bright blue as the warm tears ran down my face. I always thought I was pretty when I cried. Crying was very relieving for me, it was detoxifying, and letting go. It wasn’t anxiety or feeling stuck. That didn’t happen until I was in college. I locked myself in the bathroom and I cried. And when I finished I still felt stuck, overwhelmed, and so I kept crying. I kept crying until I couldn’t breathe, and I had a headache. Then I had to make myself stop crying because nothing was getting better. The more my thoughts built up, the more these crying episodes would break through, but they wouldn’t resolve anything. I stopped liking crying as much. It wasn’t “me time”, it wasn’t reflective – it was spinning in cirlces and feeling trapped and weak.
I’ve been crying a lot more recently. Much similar to my college days. Crying, and rather than feel myself shed off pounds of frustration or confusion, I feel the heavy tears fall onto my lap and they are stuck on me. My eyes stay very wet, swollen, and heavy. My mind isn’t letting go of thoughts. It’s like the crying is just happening without value, empty.
The problem is bigger than a mere rinse off. It urges me to shift directions and change.
I’ll cry in a couple of months when I realize that I made it through the muck, and my tears will sing and laugh.
Those are my favorite tears, the one’s that celebrate. The ones that used to hurt, but now have grown brighter. As you cry these tears, you reflect on the pain and the transition and you know you are strong, you are loved, you are human.
Don’t give up on yourself, your dreams, or the people around you.
When you feel alone in the bathroom with nobody around you, know that there is a door to open and someone is waiting. When you feel like escaping away from it all, know that peace can be found. Your life is still growing, and that is something to celebrate. That is something to cry about.

My Bucked Teeth

When I was a kid, I loved to smile, but I hated my teeth. My two front teeth are big. I remember Jacob, one of the schoolboys, making fun of me in school. From elementary school to high school Jacob would poke fun at my teeth. I was always conscious of my teeth – it didn’t stop me from smiling or taking pictures, but it did make me a mouth breather – because I didn’t like forcing my mouth to close, I did stand in front of the mirror for hours looking at what smile didn’t accentuate my teeth. My mind obsessed about the appearance of my mouth for years. It wasn’t until someone said to me in my early 20s, you have a wonderful smile, that I finally let go of my self-consciousness. I found acceptance because I realized that there was more to a smile than the two front teeth.

What bothers you about yourself? Is there something you compare yourself to others, and you find yourself on the short end of the stick? Is it the importance of your job? Something about your body? An uneasy relationship you have with a family member? Maybe you don’t have enough friends?
Sit with your “issue”. Feel this frustration, judgement, listen to your mind tell you how you need to be better, what isn’t good enough, why you aren’t doing it right.

Now breathe. Tell yourself, “I am okay.” Fill yourself with light and love! Lift your chest, fill your body, invigorate all of your skin, muscles, and bones! Feel everything you are!
This is more than the body. Breathe into your existence, everything you have. Taste the food you eat, feel the joy from laughter of the friends and family you have, award yourself for your skills and abilities in your job and daily tasks. You are good!

It is easy to be stuck in fix it mode. Honing in on the one thing, or couple of small details that “need to” be better. We forget the big picture. Recognizing all that you do currently have and do well. Honoring all that you are.

Instead of the perspective of needing to fix this, start to seek BALANCE. 
Every day show up with gratitude for where you are, acceptance for what is new, and the desire to be used for a greater good.
When we change our perspective from tunnel-vision to the big picture, our body can stop being in a stressed state. When you have gratitude for the current situation of your life, you are energized through the day. As new experiences and different, unfamiliar things occur, this positive energy will help your perspective fuel acceptance rather than being fatigued and worn down by having to adapt to change. You have found the strength inside of you, and now you know that you can take on whatever comes your way.
Everything is okay. It’s ALL good.

 

 

((I want to send gratitude to each of you that have supported my writing, and followed my posts over the years. I write in order to provoke thought. I would love to hear your insight. Please comment or email with your experiences and reflections.))

REFUEL.

I find myself going constantly. But it isn’t just the fact that I am going, it’s that all of my actions are in an outward direction. I teach class, consult a client, constantly text different people, invite someone to have dinner with me, fall asleep with my phone in my hand, I wake up and it all starts again. All of a sudden, even the simple tasks are frustrating, too time-consuming, or I start messing up because I am not actually focusing on my actions, just trying to get to the reward/final product/end of the day.

Then days like today happen. I don’t have an agenda, just time. And that time is space for ideas to be, to grow, to explore. Space to breathe.

Take time to refuel yourself. We often think that we refuel from the things around us – so we grab food, entertainment, a text conversation with anyone that will respond – we DO anything seeking a reboot. But just like a sugary carbohydrate – this energy burns quickly – it is more of an expense than an asset. But coming inward – whether it be meditation, journaling, prayer – being still and isolated, we find this vitality inside to start again. We have a practice, rituals, positive lifestyle choices that activate our Light regularly. Not so that we can boast our discipline or title, but so that we can more easily live from this place of grace, acceptance, ease, and love.

The more we train the mind to accept the sensations and movement of the Self instead of the ego, the more our life will impact our communities with this intention of love, Greatness, and wellness. The more we exercise living from this Place, the less our actions come from a place of fear, pain, past experience, or expectation.

Excercising presence, is listening, being, and surrendering. Knowing that each moment you are learning and teaching, you are accepting and letting go, you are active and still.

You find balance.

You find neutrality.

You find bliss.

There is a power in you. Take time to recognize, accept, and grow this power.

REFUEL from within.

Namaste.

Being a sponge in a snowy city

It seemed like as soon as I touched my feet in the Minnesota snow and got my new bed made, I packed my bags and boarded a truck with my dad.  The trip was such a great experience, as I got to see what my dad really does for a living, see his hard work, and witness the process that goes in to supplying our country with the food and supplies we buy every day in our grocery stores. I witnessed sites across the nation so beautiful that I lost my breath, and I found myself dreaming of the opportunity to explore them. I also had a much needed moment to ground myself – to refuel myself, so when I arrived back in the Twin Cities I had the energy and mindset to explore without fear. Of course, I forgot that the cold weather would play a role in my “fearless” exploration because I would have to find a way to not freeze as I sought out new experiences in the -10 degree weather.

Since I’ve been back for three days, I have had the opportunity to watch a Vikings game (they lost), go grocery shopping at a new grocery store, take a new route to the yoga studio every day, and I found a dentist! Each event, though they sound uneventful, have actually been very beneficial experiences that have resulted in so much growth! Starting with the grocery store…

I arrived at Mississippi Market yesterday to pick up a supply of organic veggies and other fresh items. Mississippi Market is the local co-op food store in town, and it was here that I found a copy of Natural Awakening! If you’re not familiar with Natural Awakening, it is a local publication that is throughout the country, and it features articles about natural health as well as an EVENTS CALENDAR!! I found out that a winter carnival is coming up this month, as well as took note on a couple parks to check out.

After grocery shopping, I took a new route home. I actually got lost, as I found myself struggling to cross the Mississippi River to “my side of town”, and unable to find an on-ramp to the freeway. I eventually found a familiar street and just took the long way home. BUT, I was proud of myself for recognizing something familiar and trusting my instincts to follow the route. Plus, I passed an Italian Bakery that is now on my to-do list. It was also during this time that I learned the importance of windshield wiper fluid, as I drove while it was snowing! Windshield wipe fluid is not just for lovebugs, it is for the salt that completely covers your windshield as it sprays up from the car’s tires in front of you!

After going home and getting the groceries put away (which I realized isn’t necessary since your trunk serves as a freezer at about 10 degrees), I went to the dentist! Shannon was my dental assistant who cleaned my teeth, and she was outstanding! Not only do my teeth look/feel great, but when she found out I was new to town, she started writing me a list of things to do in town. As she scraped away the plaque, she was asking the different people in the office where their favorite restaurants were, and what their favorite activities are. I learned that Minnesotans go “up north” in the summer (I laughed out loud). “Up north” means the drive an hour to Lake Superior and stay in cabins for the summer. I also decided I will soon be trying cross-country skiing, apparently that’s what summer runners do in the winter time. I left the office with a welcome travel mug, and a list of new places to go!

I have also started practicing at my yoga studio. This has given me the opportunity to hear the stories and minds of some of my peers and their lives in the Twin Cities, as well as their journeys that brought them to yoga. When I am there, I feel a great sense of community as each of us are living our own journeys with yoga as a central point for all of us. As we come together and meet new people here, I am reminded of, and refueled with, the strength and fresh mindedness I need to have every day. Every moment on my mat has been more energy to explore and see new things in this town!

So, like a sponge, I am sopping up all of the information, experiences, and new activities I can find! And, I am having a blast.

I start my job tomorrow!

I wish you peace in the present, so you have energy to move forward.

With love,
Jennifer